I am on this journey of healing. One of the ways that I need to heal is to stop the destructive habits in my life. Stop allowing things to happen to me and start taking responsibility where I can. One of those ways is my physical health. My husband and I and maybe a kid or two are starting “Insanity” – the work out training program by beachbody.com – makers of P90X. I thought it was fitting that we start and end this program, and we can tell everyone we are victorious over insanity. Bad joke… maybe. But that’s how I cope.

Start day May 15th. I have my fit test tomorrow.

How I am preparing for this –
Mentally and prayerfully.

I know me and I know the dear people that I have put in my life as accountability partners. We will let each other down. We will let each other off the hook. The one thing that my husband and I do is be tolerant of what the other does, because we don’t want to be hypocrites when we do it.

Mentally I am doing a couple of things. I am preparing myself to eat healthy energy producing foods. I am thinking more about how I will look when this is all done. That visualization helps me but down that beer. Or chocolate cake. Or donut, etc.

I have a visual on how I envision my end results. That is not necessarily in 60 days. But that 60 days will jump start me into a habit of excellence and endurance. This will help with my spiritual endurance. I will be stronger mentally, physically and spiritually.

Spiritually – I am asking God’s help and guidance. I need to depend on him being the strongest thoughts and motivation in my mind – in my heart and in my soul; Only God can penetrate those components of me. I need him to be so loud as a trainer that I cannot hear anything except for his encouraging voice.

Are you a visual thinker? I am – Here is a story to sum up my quest for healing.

Jesus is in a white Pistons Jersey outfit with a sweat band around his head and a sweat towel in his hand, ready to assist and becoming excited and motivational. Leaping from side to side like a boxing manager, as I grow more intense and motivated.

What is the Goliath if I am David? I ask myself.

Goliath is the old me, He is the big ugly hairy old habits. He is the exasperation at the end of the day, he is the boredom in my life, he is the sadness I let speak loud, he is the bad eating habits, he is the excuses, he is the pain in the body, he is the negatives that never let me change, he is the spirit of ill-motivation, he is gluttony, he is failure, he is doubt, he is all the negativity in my life that I can control.

What will his punches look like? He will come at me with excuses, I will counter act with a left hook of enthusiasm. He will strike at me with the concentration of a sore and tired body. I will come back in with a jab of renewed strength at the beginning of my day. He will bring up memories that will kick me in the chest and stomach, and I will feel the weight and the measure of that blow. But I can hear my coach in my corner, and he is screaming to me “come on! Get up! Fight! You can do this, you got this.”

The blows are going to hurt, and when I am hunched over he is going to come in and blast me in the head with doubt, regret, bitterness, anger, confusion and numbness. As my body twists sideways and slams to the mat, my head nearly missing the corner pole by centimeters, my eyes catch my family’s eyes. Everyone is there. Everyone. They are all staring at me in horror; they wish that they could do something. There is one that I connect with most intently. She has the expression of peace, not worry like my boys, husband and friends. She looks like she is staring right through to my soul. I am penetrated by her presence. It’s almost like her watching and being a part of this is a small glimpse of encouragement, or power. I feel like there may be a glimmer of hope. I keep staring at her, not knowing if my body is going to be able to take the blows, feeling broken in all parts of who I am. My eyes never stop connecting with hers. I can faintly hear my coach yelling at me to get up.

He thinks I can do this? Didn’t he just see me fall? Why does he think that I am strong enough for this? Doesn’t he see the look on my families face? They know I am defeated, I can see it on their faces. Only one doesn’t have the look of dread and worry on her face. I again lock eyes with hers, she mouths the words ”I am ok, Get up! You can do this! Don’t let them beat you. Don’t let them defeat you. I am with you.” At this I feel encouraged. I feel a surge of healing flow throughout my body. I feel strong.

I get back up, I am in the fight. This is a battle that people are going to remember and talk about for ages to come. I am listening to my coach and I am following all his words. Everything that my opponent throws at me, I dodge. I feel like I have lightening strength. I start to get a little cocky and kind of throw some of my own blows in there instead of just blocking. I think, it’s time for me to start doing some of my own damage.

I start to tune out my coach’s voice to concentrate on what I want to do in this fight, and that’s when it happened. I took a great hit with my own self centered move. I was knocked to my knees and immediately searched for her. My heart yearned to see her, to touch her. My vision got blurred and I could not see anything clearly. I started to panic. I called out, where are you? And Just as my opponent came to give me a hell staggering blow, the bell rang.

I made it to my corner. I knew coach was going to give it to me, he said nothing. He just cleaned up my wounds. I looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He didn’t. I said I am sorry. Please, say something. I asked him, do you believe in me. That got his attention, he looked at me and said “Do you believe in me?” With that he sprayed me in the face with my water bottle. I was appalled, and somewhat in shock. That was cold ice water. Why would he be so mad as to throw water in my face?

I stood up and I felt like rushing waters. I had a renewed strength. I closely listened to my coach, every word. What he was doing was keeping my footing, and we were wearing down my opponent. When the coach said it was time, I threw a punch to his stomach of truth, I kept my footing, he could see I was ready to defend and strike. I got three great strikes to his chest with righteousness. He tried to come at me and I blocked him with faith. This gave me the upper hand, to nail him in the head with a fistful of the salvation that was given to me. What took him out is when I used the sword and said:
Philippians 4:8 Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worth of praise, let you mind dwell on these things.
James 4:7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
Mathew 4:10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'”

At this, the opponent was defeated. It was declared a Knock Out! My coach ran into the ring and hoisted my high on his shoulders. He was so proud. He was so delighted, he was not upset at all the mistakes I had made, it was as if I had done everything exactly like he wanted me to. I was astonished.

When the fight was over, I searched the room for her. I received the hugs and well wishes from friends and family, but I was hoping to see her there. I turned around and coach was standing there. He knew what my thoughts were. He said, I gave you a gift, a glimpse so that you would be strong, you wouldn’t listen to just my words alone. You gotta learn to trust me. I said, I promise, I will never doubt you again.

This is just the first fight of many, the coach said. This by far is the worst. Your first fight usually is. You will go on to fight many battles and you will be with me when the last mighty battle is fought. You will prove to be a force to be reckoned with. Your importance on that day – on that battle field is important. It is exactly why you were created. All of these battles, all of these fights, all of these experiences are creating you to be the perfect weapon that I will need with me on the great day.

Like a solider going off to war in a far off land, when he comes home, he is reunited with his family. So shall you. Keep fighting, keep fighting through all of the battles, and fight your way home. Guard your heart, keep your guard up, and always wear the full armor I gave to you. You have to journey across this land until you have learned these things of this place. Take heed, I say again, Guard your heart. Your home coming will be most amazing.

What ails at your heart, turn into fierce power and passion for what we stand for. Desire my path more than anything – it will get you home. And on the great day of battle, the two of you will be fighting side by side and alongside all the great warriors since the creation of this age.

I nodded, and I started off for the locker room. I passed by a mirror. I had to do a double take, the reflection was a little off. I could have sworn it looked like Jesus when I passed by. I thought about it for a second and realized I have so much to learn. Then I laughed because I was grateful at how much I knew.

This story is a parallel of the struggles we have and how our physical, spiritual and mental battles are intertwined within each other. It is about becoming healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. It is the foundation of my healing journey and moving forward. The perspective of an inner fight that we all face. It is about the victory that each of us has in Christ – if we choose to embrace it.

*The girl of encouragement in this story is of course the daughter I lost in 2012 to suicide.
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