The month has crept up on me. The days are getting closer. The moments leading up to the anniversary of her initial disappearance takes the breath out of my chest and I find it harder and harder to breathe. Inside, I know what happened to her, I know where she is… my head is IN the game. It is just the “anniversary” that always tries to relive different scenarios. You know, like in movies you love, that you have seen a million times. Even though you know what is going to happen next, “Don’t open the black book,” “Jack, find a better flotation device” or “Don’t watch the stupid DVD!” no matter how much we plead, we beg, we are helpless to watch the events unfold in front of us the same way they did the last time we saw it.

I miss her every day.

There is not a day that I get up and don’t think about her. Thoughts of her are not consuming, but they are there never-the-less. Today for example, just a song triggered my sadness. I was turning the corner to my street at lunch and one of her songs came on the radio that were played at her funeral. I instantly was kicked in the stomach. I pulled up to the hill in front of my house and was just mortified because she died right over that hill. I walked up the steps and before I could get to the top, the warmth of my tears drenched down my face. I realized that I am reminded of her daily because she is everywhere in my life. I looked at the plant sitting on my porch and the Wandering Jew that she picked out for our landscape caught my eye. It humbly touches the ground it is so long. As I approach the front of the door, I see the wooden “hope” that is affixed from it. I told myself, that “hope” is only there because of her. A boy made it for me the week after she was gone. As I walked into the house and passed the word “hope” which gave so many people comfort in that amazingly difficult time. I noticed that I was immediately OK. Like I was given a supernatural hug. It was the same feeling as someone giving you a hug and you have that “relieved” feeling. That is something I have never been able to give to myself… I will let you make your own assumptions.

I want to do something for her. I will get there. I am not quite there yet. I need to work on me still. I just hope that those that are in our lives are not discouraged by that with the thought that I am dragging this grief thing out. I am not, it is just my process.

There is no one in my life that has left that I have ever missed more. I was driving home from work today and thinking, God I can’t wait to get to heaven so that I can see my girl. I immediately was given two thoughts. One was mine, I know I want to be here on earth for my kids and my husband and friends. I know that I am here for a reason, and I need to fulfill my created purpose. I am good with that. I was given another thought and it wasn’t from me. It was comforting and it set me back in the correct direction: “Your focus should not be on the dead in which you know where they are. I should be your only focus, when I am your focus, you are strong, not held back, not held down.” “Free”. This seems potentially harsh and maybe jealous and insensitive. But if you knew the conversations that I have had with God lately, you would see this was a blessing. I have been working on developing the rest of my life. The direction anyway. I love my girl, but I want to LIVE. I want my kids to LIVE. I want to see what else is out there for me to uncover, discover, help, heal, or just be more than this grief. It is not really grief any more. It is more a longing, but not more longing than that I do for Jesus.