There have been so many impact-full deaths lately. What a stupid line huh? Impact-full… Death is impact-full. It makes its permanent mark on the people that were influenced in some way by the deceased. David Bowie, what a shocker. Alan Rickman (Snape) from Harry Potter, stop it I can’t take it anymore. Founder of the Eagles, Glen Frey. I am still impacted from Robin William’s death.
I took a look around me, there is a woman whom I work at the same company with who lost her son over the Christmas Break. He was 22 or about to be. I see her uplifting and encouraging words on facebook, and it reminds me of how we reacted when Dakota died. We were the encourage-rs and many people have said to me, you were such examples of Christ. Your strength is amazing. Your obedience is… etc. Truth is, they were seeing the Holy Spirit moving through us. We were wrapped in his strength and we were comforted so we could comfort. When you are filled with something, you give that away. When you give it away you are filled with it again. That is biblical. Its a shitty club that we; affected by death; belong to. But I am encouraged by the encouraged. What breaks my heart and makes me reflect my own inner pain is when there is a parent that is hopeless or has no hope. They feel empty and lonely. That is so sad to me. No, life is not a party now that our cherished are gone and the pain of the absence of their immediate presence doesn’t go away or fade with time. They were here, they will always have an affect on us. It is how we press into God that gives us the motivation and hope for a successful and fruitful day. It is the love that we have for ourselves and for others that depend on us, that we call on God daily to “come pick us up for work” so to speak.
People have said to me or questioned, how is it that we are in fact that strong. That we could even lay this kind of grief at God’s feet. I have surmised that some people hold onto their grief, they are afraid to let it go because if they let the sting of their grief subside would mean that they didn’t love that person enough, and its just not true. My answer is because I know where my daughter is. There is not a question in my heart and my mind. She had a personal relationship with Jesus. She had a disease that took her life from us too early.
People always say that suicide is selfish. Some of my sons that are still angry and I myself have said it. Selfish in the fact that we do not get to have the privilege of their presence in our lives anymore, yes. Selfish that their actions caused us this unrelenting pain and agony, yes. And grief and has changed us and our lives into something we didn’t ask to become or we aren’t sure we like.We don’t like that we are forced daily to miss someone we love and should be here with us, yes. All suicides are different. Some are planned, some are depressed, some are impulsive. All though, agonize.All want whatever is going on to stop. It has taken me three and a half years of non stop praying for God to reveal that to me and for me to accept that as the answer.
I have a friend who has horrible psoriasis. She said that there is nothing that any of the doctors or the specialists can do to alleviate it or stop it. It burns, it itches and its is from the inside of her body out… Her hands look horrible. They look like someone has held them under boiling water and the skin is just peeling back. She told me that it gets so bad that she could go into her garage and cut both of her hands off just so that she could sleep.
Not all of our diseases are on the outside. It doesn’t stop the family and close friends from wondering what they could have done. It doesn’t stop people from being mad at the person. I am mad at my father for dying from a failed attempt at emergency quad bypass surgery on his heart. It is my opinion that he could have taken better care of himself. He essentially didn’t care about himself enough, got sick and died. The breakdown of your body over years of blaten abuse is a long version of suicide if you ask me. There is a girl that I knew, we were not close but in the same circles from time to time. She died of an overdose on heroine and crack. She has two eight year old twins. I know her mother is pissed that she left these two little boys. I know that she is angry that she allowed drugs to take over her life.
There is the cancer patient, the car crash, the poor diet, the murdered, the old age, the still birth, the broken and suicidal.
Death is inevitable. We all feel wronged by someone or something when someone that has impacted us is no longer with us physically on earth.
If my dad died in a car accident, would I still be angry with him? I am sure I would find an excuse. How is it that I am angry at my father who chose to eat badly and not exercise, yet I can forgive my daughter who took her own life at my house while her brothers were home? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. Maybe because my dad was older and he should have known better? Maybe its because the way my family changed after his death? Maybe because I have compassion for my daughter the way a mother has when her child is injured and now is in complete peace and health.
I can’t answer it. I will however continue to be encouraging to all that encounter what we feel is untimely, the abrupt absence in a much loved person.
Celebrate life, today is a gift. Tell your mom you love her. Tell others how they have impacted you today instead of wishing you had, tomorrow.
Life After Her 